both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
