I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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