How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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