So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
