everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
