She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
