Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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