Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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