dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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