I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Even my vagina gasped.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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