You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
