fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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