My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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