How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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