My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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