But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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