if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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