The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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