If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize