Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I need a beard to bite.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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