Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
