I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
