You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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