Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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