11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
