I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
