the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
