Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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