I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We're too hungover to prance.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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