so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
