Can i not drive my cunt home
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
