My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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