I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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