I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
