Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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