i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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