I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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