the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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