I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
