Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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