Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
