If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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