Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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