before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
