Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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