I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
