I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Liz is crying about burritos again.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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