Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
