eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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