i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
