did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
