Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
