Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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