well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
