Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
