bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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