fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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