saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
