I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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