I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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